News Cheating Accusations Rock Top of the Table Clash Controversy was the only winner at this weekend’s top of the table Peeball clash between arch rivals Arseholed and Manchester Urinated, as what promised to be an epic battle between skilled lavatorial athletes descended into a petulant display of foul play and childish name-calling. Instead of the flowing Peeball one would expect from great players like Dennis Furpants, Rio Nerdiwand, Ashley Pole, Diego Fullpan and Robert Pisses, the expectant crowd was forced to endure a continued trickle of stray splashes, late dribbles and damp ankles. The match finally descended into farce with the dismissal of Arseholed captain Patrick Peeira, who appeared to piss out at a nearby Urinated player, Ruud Van Pisstolroy. Even though Peeira wasn’t actually relieving himself on his opponent Van Pisstolroy recoiled as if drenched by a water cannon, a reaction that left the referee with no option but to dismiss the Arseholed skipper. Following the sending off the contest descending into a sequence of tit for tat stray ankle drenchings. However, in a moment of supreme irony, the game concluded with Van Pisstolroy only having to finish off a half-dissolved Peeball to seal the win for Urinated. Despite having a full bladder his stream was far too strong for the match situation, sending the remnants flying out of the urinal, rather than down the drain. However, as the match ended a group of Arseholed players surrounded and jostled Van Pisstolroy as he tried to tuck his old chap back in his pants, sparking an ugly near-brawl. The controversy didn’t die down in the post-match press conference as managers Arsehole Wanger and Alex Gurgleson renewed their fiery rivalry with a vengeance. “Van Pisstolroy was clearly feigning dampness. There’s no way Patrick was actually trying to urinate on him,” growled Frenchman Wanger. “Yes, I think he was cheating”. “I’m very disappointed with Arsehole’s comments,” replied Gurgleson. “His players are pissing everywhere apart from the urinal. We’ve kept our cool. It’s not our fault that they’re a bunch of shrivel-cocked deviants, led by a Frenchman with a face like a Spitting Image puppet.” The IPF Offences Committee is currently viewing footage from the match and will make their official ruling later this month.