Letters Please note, the International Peeball Federation reserves the right to edit any letters or e-mails. Please indicate if you wish your messages to be published. Nick Bladder St John writes The problem of the 'full bladder driver' was illustrated to me perfectly some months ago. During a long drive, my friend (the driver in mention) suffered the above-mentioned problem. This friend, who shall remain nameless, has an unusual bladder. He tends to urinate freely whilst sleeping, often after the consumption of 'White lightning' cider, or other such 'trampagne', always feels his bladder enlarging during long drives. An invention I suggested to him was the 'bladder extendor' (patent pending). Now this may sound American, but it is all my own idea, influenced by a similar invention used in the film 'Withnail & I'. A short length of plastic piping, attached to a babies bottle, cut the teat off, and insert one 'old fella' into said hole, leaving a nice snug fit, even for the smallest of appendages. Once fitted, trail the tubing through the open window, trapping it by winding the window, just enough to secure the tube. However, this is where it went wrong, due to lack of field-testing on my part I’m afraid. My friend’s car has electric windows, now, the problem stemmed from an inability to 'wind' carefully enough. What happened next was frightening, when my un-named friend (Bruce H) felt the need to empty his bulging bladder, at first, all went well, until the flow reached the trapped section of tubing, an irreversible pressure built up, causing the tube to detach from the bottle, and flying around the interior of the car, spraying warm urine everywhere, the resulting crash left both myself, and Bruce, hospitalised, in traction for 2 months each. What was harder to explain, especially to the insurance company, was the fact that our clothes were wet with urine. They refused to pay, claiming the crash was caused by our own 'perverted actions'. They seemed to think we were indulging in 'water sports' whilst driving, what’s more, my friend was charged with dangerous driving. So please, if anybody can suggest ways to improve my invention, then don't hesitate to let me know. (Please note, the above tale is absolute nonsense, I take no responsibility for further crashes resulting in the use of my entirely fabricated and frankly silly invention) Norris McSquirter replies: We read your letter with great interest. However, the IPF will not be endorsing your invention. Firstly, as you will know from your study of the game of Peeball, use of all penile siphons are prohibited. If your pipe and tube construction isn't a penile siphon, I'm a Dutchman's gay uncle (I'm not). Secondly, as you may be aware, your letter hints at a very serious case of drink driving. Please clarify your story or we will be forced to send your contact details on to www.oldbill.co.uk. Thank you To comment on this message click here Bigfoot 3927 writes: "Urine trouble now!" This is what my mum used to say to me every time I claimed to be some sort of whizz kid. "...Many other people are just as smart as, or even smarter than you are, Dick Upright. Just because they may have an outhouse to 'go' in--and so no water to flush--doesn't mean that they aren't equally capable of leaking secrets that'll gain them new friends and get back at their enemies!" Here in Canada we've always been able to do neat pee tricks like writing in the snow. Inspired by my earliest scrawlings (which my brothers claimed were a wee bit difficult to read!) I began work on a "DICKTIONARY" that would allow me much better control over my handiwork... Who was it sang that "Mellow Yellow" song? I remember this tune inspired me in my quest. Was it ever hard building a successful "peeboard"--a machine that would let me shape my expelled fluid rather in the same fashion that a computer's printer converts the letters on your screen into hard-copy text! I finally got the job done, though! My first girlfriend saw me try it out. "It's pretty long," she said, "I don't know if I could take it all!" "You can borrow my wheelbarrow," I assured her. "I know a DICKTIONARY (tm. reg.) is kind of a strange gift for a lady, but since your dad is a cop I just wanted to know if you could have him convince the whole force to experience it..." Yes, indeed--I already had marketing plans! First, the police--and then maybe the fire department might be able to adapt my clever invention for their own uses. Along with snow, we also have many forest fires in this part of the world. Imagine the benefits when we combine this advance in clearing up urinated script with the wilds of the usually frozen north, where snow is so often just a zipper's pull away! "Water bomb here!" will show up really good against white in a golden tint. I had to rely on my best friend Yuri Pistov for some of the final design touches, but it also helped that he brought along a big supply of really excellent vodka. Sad to report, but my initiatives have all come to nought! I'm reduced to lying in my own recliner contemplating what might have been if only all those yellowbellies I dealt with had been man enough to embrace a technology which promised to free brave males who sought to express themselves with their inner juices from the limitations imposed by Mother Nature... To paraphrase the Sex Pistols: "God save the Peein'--there ain't no green in Weein'!" To comment on this message click here Dear IPF Congratulations on the successful launch of Power Peeball. It's good to know there's finally a product out there that will help men improve their typically woeful aim. As a wife and mother of two teenage boys, not a day goes by without a new dark patch appearing on the carpet around our toilet bowl. Which leads me onto my question. What's the point of creating a urinal-based sport when the majority of men can't even hit their own home-field bowl with any consistency? Is there any chance the IPF can create a 'training device' for home use that can encourage men to relieve themselves in the actual bowl, rather than the surrounding area? I for one would be delighted to make repeated donations to the Prostate Cancer Charity if it meant my toilet carpet didn't stink of wee on such a regular basis. Yours truly, June Bonds, Kettering IP Freely replies: I take on board Julie's comments, but I feel that as a woman she has no idea about the way men have to wee. The problem with weeing into a toilet bowl is that you have to aim and it requires too much concentration. The trigonometry involved in working out the required trajectory is too taxing for a brain in the relaxing mode of a relieving wee. Aiming blankly into the bowl's water or on the sides is simply too boring, it is easy for the mind to wander and hence the dribbly carpet. Weeing into a urinal requires no concentration (it's almost impossible to miss) and is especially fun if you are aiming at a Peeball. We should all have peeballs and urinals in our homes, guaranteeing the freshness of the carpet for years to come. Yours sincerely, IP Freely To comment on this message click here Sirs The London Urination charge raises a key question - why do we have to urinate communally in the first place? For years I have been trying to develop a Personal Urine Extractor (PUE) integral to car seats which, in my opinion would solve a lot of problems. Firstly, safety: A driver with a very full bladder is a menace on the roads. It's impossible to concentrate on driving safely if your bladder is threatening to explode at any second. Secondly, hygiene: exposing ones private parts carries enormous risks to health. Germs are everywhere in public loos, however clean they are. You never know who's been in there and what state of health they are in. Particularly that bloke I spotted last week who, in fairness, may have been a key employee at the Regent's Park Zoo insect house, but seemed to me to be covered in odd tiny moving things. Thirdly, cost effectiveness: The huge savings in time will make a very positive impact on London business profitability. Instead of wasting time trying to find a public loo and somewhere to park to use it, a PUE will mean thousands of man hours saved. Sadly, I have not yet been able to perfect my idea and to date, urine has tended to leak all over the car floor. However James Dyson has shown an interest and I am optimistic that there will be PUEs everywhere in the not too distant future. Yours faithfully Gunther Wetmyself To comment on this message click here Re. The London Urination Charge Good. F'ing Southerners, you're loaded anyway, 50p that's more than you pay your army of Au-pairs in a week. They should extend it to Hertfordshire, because they are just as Southern and girlie as Londoners. I have relatives in Hertfordshire and I know for a fact that they light their cigars with crisp 20's and they don't even smoke. Learn to pee in the street like we have to up north. Disgruntled Northerner Anne McCoote commented... Admit it, you don't have to pee in the street, you just choose to. You Northern Beast! Disgruntled Northerner replies... Your point being? Did I say we were forced too, it's traditional? (Hi RT people Little I, here.) To comment on this message click here I am the Peeball master! None can compete with my power. The porcelain itself trembles as I enter the gents. Grown men are stricken with pee shyness at the mere mention of my name. I am the destroyer of all who stand before me. I wee, therefore I am. If any wannabes dare to take the challenge you can find me in Cock and Bull in Sutton on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. I'm the big lad in the corner supping Guinness and wearing an Arsenal shirt (home kit on Thursday and Saturday, away on Friday). Come and have a go if you think you're fast enough. Scott Davis, Sutton, via e-mail To comment on this message click here Dear Sir/Sirs I assume you are all male which would offer some explanation as to why your otherwise excellent site completely fails to recognise the female perspective in prostate problems. For several months now I have been experiencing difficulties with my prostate, inability to go the night without having a pee, not feeling my bladder is empty etc, after several desperate visits to my totally unsympathetic and somewhat insane G.P. I was directed to your site to see what other women have been experiencing. To my amazement the female perspective was absent, almost to the point of conspiracy. Women have for too long been ignored and oppressed in society, your site is not gender appropriate and does nothing to promote the sterling policies of social inclusion. What is needed are the statistics for females experiencing prostate issues, a support site for other women facing not only health problems but oppression. Also details on where to find a sympathetic G.P. By all means support men, as I know they have prostates as well, but please not at the cost of women's health. One of the main difficulties is getting men to talk about their health issues, work with this, rather than pretend prostates are exclusively male. My husband was doubled-up with 'stomach pains' the other day, I packed him off to bed with an aspirin, hot water bottle and a Woman's Own, which is the best relief from menstrual cramps. Not only did he say he wasn't having his period but denied even having a womb. Men live lives full of denial and fantasy, free them from this, let us all, man and woman, work together to cure society from this gender blind illness. I thank you Anne McCoote To comment on this message click here Dear Norris McSquirter My teacher told me and my friends not to play Peeball because it's not nice but I think it's because she is jealous because she can't play because she doesn't have a willy. What do you think? My teacher's name is Mrs. Roberts and she has a moustache and sometimes we can see the bogeys up her nose. Grant Jackson (8 years old), via e-mail To comment on this message click here Dear IPF As a Liverpool FC season ticket holder I must complain about your alleged 'News Story' about Ian Flush and Liverpool WC's poor run of form. It is true that Scousers have the best sense of humour in the world but to make fun of England's most successful football team ever for a few cheap laughs is beyond the realms of good taste. Yes, Liverpool (the football club) is going through a rough patch at the moment but there are extenuating circumstances. Take, for example, Stephen Gerard...(That's enough of that - Editor.) Niall O'Donnell, via e-mail To comment on this message click here Hello to everyone at the IPF. Just dropping a line through to say thanks for getting Power Peeball launched in the UK. Here in Gloucester since Peeball arrived in the pubs, fights are down, drinking's up and there's a spring in the step of every man entering a lavy. While I'm here I'd like to suggest a technique that I've titled 'Trev's Turn-Around'. By twisting your knob through 180° when making a stand, I believe it's possible to direct a slimmer, high-pressured stream at the ball that has the twin benefits of increased power and control. Has anyone at the IPF heard of this technique beforehand or will my name soon be added to the Peeball history books? Trevor Bainbridge, Gloucester Norris McSquirter at the IPF writes: Thank you for your kind words. The technique you describe is commonly known as 'The Bishop's Twist' and has been a strategy employed throughout Peeball history. Naturally, it is a high-risk manoeuvre that carries with it a high possibility of short-term discomfort. Still, if it works for the likes of Matt Slash, why shouldn't it work for you? To comment on this message click here