News England Slump to Slashes Defeat Australia has retained The Slashes. The oldest trophy in International Test Peeball has once again been won by Australia, who now have an unassailable three-nothing lead against England in the bi-annual five match series. The England-Australia fixture is the longest and most bitter rivalry in international Peeball, despite England’s six consecutive series defeats. The actual Slashes the two countries are competing for are the remains of a box of matches ignited to improve the air quality in the first ever England-Australia Test after a particularly pungent bowel movement by English legend W.C. Grace. The Slashes have seen some of the most memorable contests in sports history (including the controversial ‘Shoeline’ tour in 1931, when the English pissers deliberately aimed stray urine sprays at the Australians’ feet and more recently, Ian Bogjam’s legendary swashbuckling stand at Leeds in 1981). Sadly, in the first three matches of this year’s series, the England team has been distinctly short of heroics. Unable to keep up with the devastating stands by Australians Matthew Sprayden, Jason Gillespee, Adam Gilpist and Damian Fartyn the English team fell tamely in all three games, making Peeball commentators in Australia and at home question the necessity of continuing The Slashes as a five game series. Many experts have pointed to the decision of England Captain Slasher Hussain, who invited the Australians to wee first after winning the coin toss in the first match, as the pivotal moment of the entire series. Following the Australians’ spectacular performance in their opening stand, English stars like Andrew Baddick, Mashley Piles, Andrew Wizzedoff, Marcus Leftoffdick and Craig Shite failed to reproduce their domestic form on the international stage – a display repeated in both subsequent matches. Slasher Hussain was disappointed but insisted that England would compete for the remaining two matches. “Sure, it’s going to be a tough,” he revealed. “We haven’t been urinating well but now the pressure’s off we’re confident we have the firepower to beat the Australians. As long as our opening Peeballers can put Australian under pressure, I think we stand an excellent chance of restoring some pride. They’re only human. They have bladders the same size as everyone else”. Australian Captain Steve Pour was less confident of England’s chances. “The Poms?” enquired Pour. “Are you having a bloody laugh mate? We’re even sharing our Fosters with them just to make it a bit more competitive”.