Peeball - History

	History - Parkinson On Peeball

In 1979 Michael Parkinson had the legendary peeballer Tom Stimson as a guest on his BBC chat show. For reasons that have never been fully explained, the BBC (who were strangely apathetic towards the sport in the 70s and 80s, despite many of their broadcasters being some of England's best players) chose never to broadcast the interview. However these partially damaged reels were recently exhumed from under Sue Barker's dressing room and sneaked out of Television Centre by an anonymous source. For the first time anywhere in the world, here is a transcript of the salvageable section of the interview.

Michael Parkinson: Thank you, Billy Connolly. Now I'm delighted to be joined by a true sporting great. A Yorkshireman, like myself, he conquered the world with his brilliant play and now, on his retirement from the sport, he's looking forward to helping its development. Ladies and Gentlemen, the two-time World Peeball Tricks Champion and a member of the 1966 English World Cup-winning team, Thomas "Septic Tank" Stimson.

APPLAUSE

MP: How are you? Please take a seat.

Tom Stimson: Good. Thank you Michael.

MP: Now, Tom. As you described in your autobiography, 'Goodbye Mr Drips', you started out from a very poor background. How did you begin peeing competitively?

TS: My father were a very strict man but he were always very interested in the pubic arts. By that I mean, the games and the tricks he would pick up down the pub. Me brother were a very promising darter and I could never compete with him at that, so I tended to lean towards Peeball. By the age of nine I were already best Peeballer in The Kings Pants and my father would win his evening's drinking by betting on me against the other fellas in there.

MP: Is that when you started touring the North of England?

TS: Aye. I would go round with my father from town to town; often doing exhibition shows after Rugby League games. I were already a big lad by then you understand? Once we were in Castleford and this big fella comes in, pretty drunk already, and yells, "I hear there's a lad here reckons he can wee!" Well, I were terrified, as this fella must've weighed about 20 stone and he's effin' and blindin' at everyone. I'm sitting there with me head down and someone says to him, "It's young Tom".

MP: Laughs:

TS: So I stands up and he says to me, "They say you're the best Peeballer in Yorkshire," which was the first time anyone had said that to me. "What's you're game lad?" he says. I told him it were tricks and he burst out laughing. "Tricks?" he says, "Tricks is for bloody poofs! Endurance," he says, "Endurance is a man's game". Well, I didn't appreciate being called a 'bloody poof' so I step up to him, and I'm looking directly at his chin as he must be at least six inches taller than me, and I say, "We'd better start drinking then".

MP: Laughs: Touches his nose.

TS: So we're downing drinks for about an hour and the whole pub's gone deathly quiet when he says, "All right lad, into the lavvy with thee". So I'm first up to the urinal and even though I could do better I'm so nervous I only dribble the ball for two minutes. If you'd pardon the expression, I'm cacking meself cause he's such a big lad and everyone seems to be putting all the money they have on him to beat me. That's it, I thought. Me reputations about to crumble away here. Bugger loses control of the ball and stops peeing after thirty seconds!

MP: Laughing really hard: You must have been relieved.

TS: Also laughing: Aye! If you pardon the pun!

MP: Now, tell us about your role in the World Cup victory, which, some say, was your finest moment.

TS: Of course. Although Peeball's an individual game I always took great pride in representing England. That were a great team too. Geoff Burst, little Alan Balls, Nobby Miles and Melvin Peters - we all called him Peters Out, because he could never go for more than a couple of minutes. Still, when it came to speed, he was years ahead of his time.

MP: You were regarded as the backbone of the team. Most writers in your day felt that you could beat absolutely anyone at tricks.

TS: Aye. I know it sounds arrogant but I believed I could. Before the final round against the Germans I walked up to the bar where they were drinking, weak, nasty lager it was, and I wished 'em luck. At the same time though, I asked the man I'd be facing, Hans Orff, if he had anything special planned. He said he was going to try his best. From that moment on, I knew it were won. He was a fair peeballer, Orff, but he didn't have an answer for me 'Slippery Whippet'.

MP: For a while then people were speculating that you might have been in line for a Knighthood. Do you feel any hostility towards the people who ensured you were never honoured?

TS: Not really. I'm a simple man from Yorkshire who enjoys his Peeball and who's been lucky enough to be paid for the privilege. Wherever I go in the world - India, America, the West Indies or Europe, people stop me in the street to shake my hand. Sure, they normally run off to wash their hands, but to me, that's honour enough.

MP: Who, in your opinion, were the greatest players of all time?

TS: That's a very good question. You'd have to say Joe Brazier were the very greatest. I mean, he could do it all. Lighting quick when he had to be, tricky as they came with amazing bladder control. But he had a tremendous will to win too. They said his greatest years were taken from him by the War.

MP: Have you met him?

TS: I've met him about three times. He's a true gent and always asks me how me wife and kids are. He's not only a great player, with all the work he does encouraging youngsters to take up the sport - he's a great man. Don Hickles, the Australian, were a great player too. I remember seeing him at Headingly on an Ashes tour. He always looked like he was gonna have a big pee, whatever the situation. And who could forget Whooshkas? He were perhaps the greatest pure trickster ever to take the stand.

MP: Tell us about your relationship with Harold Wilson. It was said ...

Here the tape ends